TOW The Flying Sex Snakes
by Yvearia
Summary: One-shot set present day (circa 2015). A little look into the six friends' lives now, as they play a friendly game of cards at Monica and Chandler's. Ensemble cast the kids. Rated for language.


A/N: A little look into the six friends' lives now, as they play a friendly game of cards. Cards Against Humanity is a fantastic game! I've spent many nights laughing through tears with friends of my own while playing this game. But like the box says, it's "A Card Game For Horrible People", so be warned. Most of the cards used in this story are pretty tame, but I'll let you discover the real magic of the game for yourselves.

Enjoy.  
Yve

* * *

"Ho-oh-okay," Chandler chuckled as he drew a card from the black deck. "Why can't I play this round? I've got the _perfect_ card for this!" he lamented.

"Read the card, _please_," Ross requested with feeling.

"Okay…" he cocked his head to the side in reproach for his brother-in-law's tone. "'What brought the orgy to a grinding halt?'"

Rachel sniggered and Monica groaned. "How come I never get any of the good cards?"

Phoebe nodded incredulously towards Monica's growing stack of winning cards. "Yeah, Mon. Why don't you just build a little bridge with your winnings, cry a river, and get over it."

Meanwhile the pile of cards in play by the others had grown and Chandler had to urge the two women to make their choice so the round could play out.

"Okay. Oh. My. _Gaw-ha-hawd_. You are some horribly _disturbed_ people." He glanced through the answers before reading them aloud. "What brought the orgy to a grinding halt? Was it… Vehicular manslaughter? Dry heaving?"

"Not sexy. Definitely not," Joey interrupted with a firm shake of his head as if to illustrate his disgust.

"Or one of my three favorites," Chandler continued. "My first kill; the boners of the elderly; or…" he cleared his throat and tried to compose a straight face before reading the last card left in his hand. "Firing a riffle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog."

"Oh!"

"Whoa!"

"Oh, I _love_ that card!" Pheebes announced with excitement. "But, I don't condone that kind of violence towards animals," she added with an air of seriousness.

Chandler held off announcing the winning card until the laughter had died to a low chuckle. "NRA and bacon wins it. Who's card?" he asked, holding out the black card for the winner of the round to claim.

"Thank you, thank you," Rachel mock bowed from her chair as she reached to claim her winnings.

"_Come on_!" Monica cried. "_Boners of the elderly_!"

"Sorry, babe," Chandler said, offering his wife a sad smile. He knew the game grated on her because of the lack of structure needed to define a clear winner. It was all subjective and dependent upon the person judging that round.

"Moving _on_," the other Geller, nearly as competitive as his sister, announced as he drew a new black card. "The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an interactive exhibit on _blank_."

"He he he," Joey giggled to himself, slapping his answer card down on the table in front of Ross.

"Has anyone checked on the kids?" Rachel asked, glancing toward the stairs as she placed her card down, too.

"They're fine, Rach," Monica assured her hastily. "Focus on what's in front of you!" She slapped her answer card down quickly, then jiggled her leg impatiently.

"I'll go check after this round," Chandler assured her. "Now let's play before Monica starts throwing plates." Joey glanced at the plate in the center of the coffee table with three cookies still sitting unclaimed. He pulled it towards himself and further away from Monica.

The others played their cards quickly and Ross collected them, taking his time to diligently shuffle the stack before reading out the answers. "The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an interactive exhibit on… Okay… Cybernetic enhancements; penis envy." Ross used his best game show host persona as he read through the answers. How he was able to read out each card with a straight face, Chandler would never know. "A cat video so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out of your anus; historical revisionism; and, lastly, tickling Sean Hannity even after he tells you to stop."

The laughter rippled in waves around the table. There had been better hands played, but most rounds ended with someone swiping tears of laughter off their cheeks.

"Joey… did you play the cat video card?" Rachel sniffled.

"No, I played Sean Hannity!"

"_Hey_! This is supposed to remain anonymous!" Ross scolded. "However… it doesn't matter, because historical revisionism takes it."

"Ha!" Chandler snatched the black card from Ross, adding it to his stack with appreciation. "Okay. Time out. Parental duties ensue," he said, pushing out of his chair.

"Anyone want another cup of coffee," Monica offered as Chandler headed up the stairs and the others stood to stretch or use the bathroom.

As he headed into the den at the top of the stairs, he noticed the uncharacteristic quiet with a sense of curiosity. The twins were laid out on the floor in front of the television, Erica snoring softly in the glow from the screen. But Jack waved at his dad before turning back to focus on the movie in front of him. Emma was curled up in a corner of the overstuffed sofa, iPad in hand, looking intent.

He crossed the room and sat down on the sofa next to his niece. "Hello, friend," he smiled.

"Hi," she answered in her squeaky tween-girl voice.

"How's it going? You guys need anything?" He wasn't too worried. They'd told Emma she was in charge while they visited downstairs, and he and Monica had faith that she would be fine watching the twins – all four parents were just one floor away, after all. But Rachel was nervous.

"Nope."

"Like the movie?" he asked, trying to engage her at least a little.

"Nope."

"Hence the tablet." He nodded in sympathy. He'd seen the movie about a million times himself.

"Hence," she agreed, never taking her eyes off of her device.

"You're not… _sexting_? Are you?"

"Yes," she said with a smirk. It was the first real reaction he'd gotten out of her. They had the same dry sense of humor. He liked that about her.

"Okay, then…" He said, returning the sarcastic smile, and stood to make his way back to the stairs.

"Uncle Chandler?"

"Yeah."

"Kill 'em with the 'mother-effing sorcerer' card."

"You _promised_ you wouldn't tell your mom or Aunt Monica I let you look at the game," he reminded her frantically.

"I wont." She crossed her heart in a gesture that was so old-fashioned it was odd coming from a thirteen year old. He smiled and gave a little nod before heading back to the group downstairs.

"Finally!" Monica chimed as she caught sight of her husband walking down the stairs.

"Annnd, no more coffee for Monica tonight," he quipped in return.

"How are they?" Rachel asked as Chandler resumed his seat.

"Jack's fine, Erica's asleep, and Emma's sexting," he answered, deadpan.

"_What!_?" Ross shot up out of his seat immediately.

"Relax, Ross," Rachel urged him. "If Chandler had seen sexting, we'd be picking little bits of his brain off of the walls up there." His humor had obviously relaxed Rachel a bit, and after a few seconds, Ross sat back down, looking accusingly to Chandler.

"_Not _funny, man. Just wait till your girl turns thirteen. So not cool."

"Back to the game. Okay!" It was Rachel's turn to pull from the black deck. "What never fails to liven up the party?" she asked with a wide grin.

Four of the five others slapped down their cards almost immediately. Then Phoebe exclaimed loudly, "Oh, oh, oh! _Yes_!"

With the last card in play, Rachel shuffled and began to glance through the answers in her hand. "Really?" she asked accusingly. "_Menstrual rage_? Who played that card?"

"It's supposed to be _anonymous_," Ross commented quietly. She glared at him with a steely look before reading out the rest.

"What never fails to liven up the party? Carnies; wearing an octopus as a hat." Joey tried and failed to stifle a giggle. "An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist; or… Ha! _Winner_," she announced. "Flying sex snakes!"

"_A hah_!" Pheebes cried in triumph as she pooled the card into her growing stack.

It was time for everyone to draw again before Joey could have his turn to read.

"Hey, Joe. How'd that last audition go?" Monica asked as she diligently pulled five cards at random to bring her hand back to ten. "Didn't you say it was for some kind of horror TV show on FX?"

"Yeah, some Spanish dude writes and directs it. He's supposed to do some pretty heavy stuff, but I've never heard of him. Guildermo or somethin' like that."

"Guillermo del Toro?" Ross supplied as he fanned his cards out in front of him.

"Yeah, you know him?"

"Joey…" Chandler began in a questioning tone. "The Orphanage? Pans Labyrinth? The Hobbit movies?" Joey just gave his friend a blank look. "Hellboy?" Chandler finally supplied.

"_Whoa_! He did Hellboy? Now I'm really nervous. I've got a callback on Monday."

"Well, good luck, sweetie," Monica encouraged, shooting Chandler a meaningful glance. They hadn't intended for the 'Joey Room' to be permanently occupied by their very own sometimes out-of-work actor.

Thanks, Mon," he smiled genuinely. "Okay, my turn again. _Blank_. High-five, bro." It was the perfect Joey card. Too bad he didn't get to play this round.

There was some shuffling of cards, everyone perusing their new options since getting to draw again. Finally, all plays had been made and Joey collected and shuffled. He squinted through his glasses, one of the many rewards for getting older, and began reading. "A 55-gallon drum of lube; reverse cowgirl; slapping a racist old lady; catastrophic urethral trauma; or finding Waldo." His grin grew wide. "Finding Waldo. High-five, bro!"

Chandler reached for the card, then threw his old roommate a high-five, flashing a smile to rival Joey's.

"How could that win over _reverse cowgirl_!?" Mon exclaimed.

"You gotta know how to play to Joey," Chandler said by way of explanation.

"I _was_ playing to Joey!" she all but shouted.

"It was probably a really close call, Mon," Phoebe soothed, as she drew her black card from the pile next. "So! Oh, okay, I'll read it, but I want to make it clear that just 'cause Mike's not here doesn't mean it's over!" Phoebe's husband was on a tour as a fill-in keyboardist with some indie-folk-y band. "Okay. What ended my last relationship?"

"Now it makes sense," Ross chuckled as he laid down his choice.

"Um… Pheebes," Rachel piped up. "You could probably say the card relates to your last relationship _before_ Mike."

"Oh, _David_. Yes, no, that is _definitely_ over." She smiled, then clapped her hands together loudly. "Come on, people! Cards! Cards! Cards!"

The others quickly made their selections and turned them over for Phoebe to read out. "Half-assed foreplay? Huh, _no_. Not having sex!? _Please_. Full frontal… um, do you recall how _yummy_ that man was?" She shook her head in disbelief as she discarded each successive card. "A nuanced critique… or basic human decency. Well, it's safe to say that none of you is right."

"Phoebe, it doesn't matter what _actually_ happened," Ross explained in exasperation. "Just pick the one you like best."

"Fine, but it's not very realistic that way." They all smiled at the absurdity of her answer. "Okay. Basic human decency, because, well, I believe in that."

"Thanks, Phoebe, Joey said, claiming the black card.

"You're welcome, sugar!"

"Okay, great. Whatever," Mon said as she collected the cards that had been played and reached for her own black card. "It's Monica's turn now, _bitches_."

"Mon, honey. Deep breaths," Chandler reminded her with a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Okay," she said, settling back into her chair slightly more calmly. "Everybody ready? In the distant future, historians will agree that _blank_ marked the beginning of America's decline. Go!"

There was some quiet self-debate and a few short laughs – Ross nearly snorted. But soon all cards had been played and Monica shuffled through them quickly and efficiently. "America's decline began with… eating the last known bison; vigilante justice; children on leashes; sexting." She threw a sidelong glance at Chandler as Ross leveled an angry glare in the same direction. "Or unfathomable stupidity." She glanced around the table trying to determine who had played which card, though she was pretty sure that Chandler had been responsible for the sexting.

"It's supposed to be _anonymous_, Monica!"

She shrugged off her brother's reprimand before quickly making up her mind. "While I _hate _kids on leashes almost as much as I hate animals dressed as people… Unfathomable stupidity wins it."

"So you're saying America's decline began with the birth of Bieber and Reality TV?" Chandler smirked.

Ross happily added the card to his stack, nodding in agreement with Chandler. Before he could reach for another black card from the pile, though, he noticed his son creeping down the stairs.

"Hey, Jack. What's wrong?" The boy looked freaked out and a little groggy at the same time. Seconds later, Emma came trapsing down after him.

"Um… Aunt Mon?"

"What is it, sweetie?" Monica stood already heading for the stairs.

"Erica's got… un… needs to talk to you," the girl stuttered slightly, embarrassed. "She's in the bathroom."

"_Oh_," Rachel and Phoebe chorused.

"Thanks, Em," Monica smiled uneasily. "You guys can hang out down here for a while if you want."

"_Yeah_," Jack agreed urgently.

"What?" Chandler half stood, not knowing whether to be calm or concerned. "What's going on?"

"Just stay," Monica instructed as she headed up on her own.

"What?" he asked again, looking wildly around at the others all seeming to be in on the secret.

"Menstrual rage," Joey said, nodding his head in a knowing manner. "Seven sisters," he added by way of explanation.

"Good luck, dude," Ross chuckled as a look of horror settled on Chandler's face. "It only gets more fun!"


End file.
